Express Yourself

Mary Kate Olsen has so much money, you would think that she could buy some clothes that fit. Or, here is a better idea, hire a stylist!!!!!!

Every time a camera clicks a teenage boy in booty shorts cries in his room, he wonders why the world is so unjust and how could it be so cruel. How is it possible that a bevy of beautiful people with an almost sexual proximity to fabulous designers, a constant cascade of free clothes, and a fifty-five-person team of sycophants charged with waxing their toe hair fail to look fab at every moment? His guess is as good as mine. But somehow the entertaining elite does it, and that gives us a good giggle on even our most menstrual of days.

I digress. You want my vote for the crappiest dressed celebrity of ‘07. Oh come now…I can’t possibly choose just one! Choosing one is like trying to decide which potato chip to eat from a super-bowl-party-sized bag. One of the glorious things about cracked-out celebrity fashion is the fact that we realize that being rich and famous doesn’t mean you can’t look like a geriatric hooker on meth.

Each raunchy crotch shot and micro-mini-camouflage tube dress helps raise the self-esteem of millions of conflicted people who would otherwise fret and flirt with the idea of anorexia. Is it wrong that all 47 of the famous people I think dress tragically, make me feel a little bit better about myself? I’m wicked, I know. And now, thanks to bootleg celebrity fashion we all recognize that not only are celebrities real people with cellulite, but more importantly that a $19.99 fashion faux pas looks just as awful as a $90,000 one.

-laquitable

Why is this poll full of women anyway? Surely, we can think of a few terribly dressed men. Like, say, Perez Hilton. He’s supposedly holed up in his little apartment drawing pointless squigglies on celebrity photos, you know, like a real objective reporter. Then, why oh why, can I not go anywhere without seeing his ugly mug and even worse fashion sense! New Year’s Eve on MTV was the absolute worst!! Hands down the winner of 2007.

And what about those Project Runway contestants? That one really hurts because they’re supposed to be, like, designers and trendsetters. Hello! Every time you see one of ‘em, they look hideous! I pray for the future of design. Go back to Gossip Girl and the preppy guy look, it may not be good enough for the Runway’s Klum and company, but for hot, those GG guys got it going on!
--elle-mentary, my dear!

Has the age of the glamorous Hollywood star come to an end? In the early days of Tinsel Town, a star was just that, a STAR. Someone that all we looked up to, someone high above the masses, someone whose very presence shined a light into our dim worlds through their personality, appearance and, of course, their incredible clothes! They were the picture of perfection (at least on the outside). We aspired to be them. But it seems those days are over. The stars seem to want to dress like the masses now, and that sucks. I mean... which would you rather see up-close and in person... a dress and shoes worn by Marilyn Monroe, or Mary Kate's tacky oversized sweater that she uses to cover her frail sickly frame?

More often than not, today's "stars" seem to run screaming from the glamorous past... often right into a Salvation Army Thrift Store from what I can tell. Case in point, David Arquette - he is actually painful to look at. Don't get me wrong, I like the guy! But, the only glamorous thing about him is when he has Courtney Cox hanging on his arm. I don't know if the word "eccentric" is a weird enough word to apply to him. Not only are his clothes pretty ugly, but they don't fit well, either. Hmmm. When did having lots of money and not spending it ever help anybody? Can we say trickle down economics?? Buy some new clothes, David! and help out the economy. We don't want to see fashion designers out on the street if there is a recession in 2008! There's not room for them AND the striking television writers.

But it's not just about the style of the clothes (or lack thereof), it's how they are worn. How much money does Mariah Carey have? Seriously, how much? After all the psychotherapy, she's gotta have SOME left, right? Why is it that she can't pay someone to take her measurements correctly? She apparently has no idea what size she wears! Someone, please, tell her! Sure, Mimi has a great set on her, and good legs... but less is not more, Mariah! She consistently wears outfits that are two sizes too small. She needs to cover up, and leave a little to the imagination! Would you rather be remembered as a classy singer, or a trashy nut job?

And lastly, why do so many stars feel the need to dress down, wearing ballcaps and oversized worn out sweatshirts? Geesh, I wouldn't go to the Wally-World in Irving dressed like some of these people, no matter how comfy it is. They must think dressing down is a disguise from the paparazzi?? Come on! Attention Hollywood Stars: YOU HAVE NO PRIVACY. I'm sorry. It sucks. However, your consolation prizes are your bank account, free swag, being able to break the law usually without repercussions, never having to make a reservation at a restaurant and... oh yeah, you're famous and people worship you. That being the case, dress up in something nice, wear it proud! and smile pretty, your picture is being taken.

How can Posh spice be losing to Amy Winehouse? Winehouse at least has a real singing talent! The only reason to look at any pic of the old posh is that there’s a good chance her hottie husband, Becks, will be nearby.
-elle-oquent